100% completely accurate

Since this blog seems to be turning more into a photoblog every week, I thought I'd put this picture up just for the hell of it.

Yes, that really is Chopper Read. I found the photo on the ground in Sydney. Cool, eh?

ain't no thing but a chicken wing

Holy... shit. I, I... Oh fuck. I can't explain it. You just have to watch.
糞みそナ—ス [flash movie]

golden gaytime

Now, in case my obsession with gayness is driving away my straighty-one-eighty fans, here's a picture of some cool boobs (Thanks Peter & Peter's friend Saria). Just stare at it and think about mortgages. Or you can read the wise words of your people.

Oh, the side-splitting hilarity. This ice cream is actually quite nice, although the description of "ice cream with compound chocolate and biscuit (14%)" doesn't do it justice. Muslim readers will be happy to know that it uses halal gelatine, too.


P.S. Hey Mel of karaoke fame, what's your blog url? Thanks for the link to Baby Take a Bow.

t.a.f.e. update: a shower of cunts

Hon. Peter Dutton. Minister for Workplace Participation. Cunt.

After weeks of being assured by all and sundry that I would be subsidised to go to TAFE this semester, I just got rejected. Centrelink approved doing the course, but my Job Network Provider (JNP) refused my application. Apparently I'm better off doing Work for the Dole or Intensive Assistance.

My sheepish caseworker (who had repeatedly said that it should be "no worries") told me that I was rejected because a)they don't fund "arts courses" and b)there was no guarantee of full-time employment at the end of the course. He also said that two or three months ago, it wouldn't have been a problem. Then he went on a bit about how he "doesn't agree" with his job, about all the injustice, yadda yadda. All things that don't help me a bit.

Okay, first of all, I wouldn't really describe a TAFE certificate in Graphic Design as an "arts course." The difference between TAFE and universty is that it is industry focused; it's about getting work done and sending it ready for the printers.

On the second point, does anyone know a course that guarantees full-time employment? I think only the army can make that promise. Simon the Case Worker said the kind of thing they would fund are courses like a forklift license.

Right now, I'm super pissed off. I was due to start the course on Monday and now I have to withdraw. I could go on Austudy, but that would mean a substantial cut in my Centerlink payments (which I really can't afford) and still wouldn't solve the problem of paying for course materials before Monday morning. And besides, the main reason I wanted to do the course was to be able to get work. Fuck it, it seems like a more productive thing to do than fucking Work for the Dole.

What are my options? As far as I know, there is no-one I can appeal the decision to. I guess I could speak to my local MP (imagine me dry-wretching at the prospect) because the JNP cited the Department of Employment and Workplace Relations as the reason. I can't see the dilemma being solved before Monday, whatever I do.

UPDATE 4:47PM:Situation resolved... kind of. I've taken out a $500 loan to pay for the fees and materials. I've also found the marquee html tag and love it.

gaypak

Is it just Australia that has a lot of homosexual related packaging?
This sticker was on my mandarin.

...and speaking of gay paks, if you're like me, sometimes you lack inspiration when illegally downloading tracks from peer-to-peer networks. Here are some places to start, especially if you're looking for a soundtrack for collecting welfare by.

Current List of Lumpen Music

The Ruler's Back - Slick Rick
The intro to this song cracks me up every time. "It is I, sire. Richard of Nottingham." Fucking brilliant. Listening to The Ruler's older stuff gives me a new appreciation for Outkast.
Signs feat. Justin Timberlake - Snoop Dogg
Every good lumpen likes their booty music and I am no exception. This song is greatest when you imagine dancing to it wearing your school shoes with snap-together tracksuit pants.
(I Just) Died In Your Arms Tonight - Cutting Crew
Jokes about ulti-mullets and ankle-length denim coats aside, this song has a weird effect on me. I remember hearing it as a kid and feeling that there was nothing but sincerity in Nick Van Eede's voice. The repetition in the lyrics seemed like a heartfelt lament. To my shame, this song has been on high rotation lately. Oh, and the only other songs with the same effect are 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' by The Tokens and 'Believe It or Not' by Joey Scarbury (the theme song to The Greatest American Hero). True story.
Major Tom - The Space Lady
There is a chance that you are familiar with the original version of this song by Peter Schilling. Schilling's version is okay, but The Space Lady's version, well, it's so damn haunting. I kinda get the kitsch element, but the sadness in the song is really helped by TSL's outsider status.
Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft - The Carpenters
Another sci-fi song I've been getting into a lot. I reckon the Carpenters made the most perfect pop songs of all time. Fuck the Beatles - they made good songs, but they don't have the oddly ubiquitous quality of The Carpenters. Read the the lyrics of this song before you listen to it (if you haven't before) and set your faces to "stunned". Can you believe these words made an epic, infinitely listenable song? The words themselves are so cumbersome, but Karen Carpenter just sings them with ease. [Sigh].
We Will Become Silhouettes - The Shins
Another cover, this time of an electro band called The Postal Service, by my new favourite band, The Shins. Yet again, the contrast to the original couldn't be starker: The Shins break out the acoustic guitar and rock the hell out of this one. Well, it isn't rocking like Black Sabbath, but there is definately a rollicking quality that makes this one of my fav tunes at the moment. The alien voice in the track also reminds me of the "Ooolaaah" noise the aliens make in Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds concept album. Yeesh. Gives me the shivers.
Rocky Racoon - The Beatles
I know I just bagged out the Beatles, but hear me out. A couple of months ago I went to out to karaoke with a couple of friends. We went to this dodgy place in Chinatown and were joined by another group, who were more friends of friends. This woman got up and did 'Rocky Racoon' and totally, totally blew everyone away. I can only begin to describe how well she did it. There was humour, ability, weird charleston dancing and a great haircut. Somebody mentioned she worked at St Jerome's. If you know her, tell her I want to be her friend solely based on that performance. And that performance is why I'm digging this song right now.
Selling the Drama - Live
Just kidding. I think I might have heard this song on the radio before. From the Throwing Copper album, this track became infamous in Australia because of the (misnamed) Snowtown murders. I just finished reading a book on the subject. The relentless tales of poverty and violence mixed with welfare bureaucracy and lumpen alienation make the story pretty compelling, especially from this blogger's point of view. Can you believe that people were tortured to this song?
Err, you probably can.
Honourable mentions:'22 Acacia Avenue' - Iron Maiden, 'Boob Scotch' - Bon Log III, 'Pie in the Sky' - Utah Phillips, 'Old Cape Cod' - Patti Page, 'Boy Named Sue' - Johnny Cash, 'Rich Girl' - Gwen Steffani, 'Tit 4 tat feat Pharrel' - Fabolous, 'Funk You Up' - George Clinton And The P-Funk Allstars, 'Say I Love You' Renee Geyer, 'Borderline' - Madonna, 'Voodoo Lady' - Ween, 'Aloha Steve and Danno' - Radio Birdman, 'What's My Name?' - Snoop Doggy Dogg, 'West Coast Poplock' - Ronnie Hudson, 'Running Up That Hill' - Kate Bush, 'Otto's Journey - Mylo, 'Six Minutes' - Dungeon Family, 'What U Sittin' On? (feat. Jemini, Cee Lo And Tha Alkaholiks)' - DJ Danger Mouse, 'You Could Be Mine' - Guns'n'Roses, 'Fix Up, Look Sharp' - Dizzee Rascal, 'Freedom of '76' - Ween, 'Superstar' - Sonic Youth, 'Goodbye Horses' - Q Lazzarus, 'The Sprout & The Bean' - Joanna Newsom, 'The Lost Art of Keeping a Secret' - Queens of the Stone Age, 'Mother' - Danzig, 'Tattooed Millionaire' - Bruce Dickenson, 'Street Talkin' (feat. Slick Rick)' - Outkast, ...........................This shit is bananas..........................B...A...N...A...N...A...S..................

drink. drunk. jenga.

Are you my grandpappy?

An essential part of the lumpen lifestyle is an addiction to alcohol. Unrealiable sources tell me that my paternal grandfather was an alcoholic with an alcohol-induced psychosis, maybe homeless and possibly died mysteriously in a fire at a Salvation Army shelter. I swear this is what I've been told. It could be worse I suppose – he could died by falling into the Sarlacc pit.

I don't think I'll manage to hit the amazing highs of my ancestors. I look at my excessive alcohol consumption as more of a hobby; a weekend indulgence if you will. The photo below was taken at a party a couple of weeks ago (by a 1 megapixel mobile phone camera, no less). No, that isn't me in the photo, however I was the one responsible for balancing the objects. I hope you note the hairbrush and stickytape ensemble on the head. I feel it is a credit to my drunkeness that I'm always looking for an artistic outlet.

John Jenga: the sport of kings.

The subject is John. I hear that John was actually aware of what was happening, but was too inebriated to remove the cigarette from between his fingers and too strong a patron of the arts to protest. Although he did vomit about ten minutes after this photo.
Dole Diary salutes you, drunken John!