October 21, 2003

want to see my impression of ghandi?

a goofy looking leprechaun
Kicking this leprechaun will bring me good luck.

After a fantabulous week in Newcastle, I had a horrendous week of hell in Melbourne. I think I will refer to this month as 'Darth October' from now on.

Darth October began when I decided that I need to inject more of the bacchanalian into my life. This translated into discovering just how drunk I could make myself. I did this by ignoring that little voice that says "Woah. You better slow down on the libations my red-haired friend." I have since discovered that this voice has a name: 'Common Sense.'

My memory is hazy, but I nearly got into a fight with a leninist, lost my Justin Timberlake CD, lost the jumper that Peter gave me and snogged one of the ideological opposition in a very public manner. As much as I'd love to share the entirety of the saga with you, for reasons of tact I can't.

I felt very ill for days afterwards, and my housemate diagnosed me with a mild alcohol poisoning. I spent the next week on the couch, cringing every time I thought about my actions. I thought about travelling back through time, Bill and Ted style, to undo all the damage I'd done.

It was mostly downhill from there. That freelance job fell through, too.

Worse still, I've been drafted into Intensive Assistance. Not only will I be compelled to go to Work for the Dole, but I'll also be forced to look for jobs, attend CV writing classes and all kinds of shit under strict supervision. Apparently I have to do both programs concurrently, as it is a mandatory part of Mutual Obligation. I have to confirm that, though.

I know, I know. I just used a whole bunch of Centrelink jargon that makes no sense unless you're actually in the system.

Well, that's it. They've broken me. I'm going to start looking for work.

In the month of Darth October, this is known as being 'Qui Gon Jinned.'

October 09, 2003

unemployment is so hot right now

fat cat
Chillin' like a villain.
Today is the fourth week in a row I've wagged Work for the Dole. In a strange way, it actually helped me to find some freelance work, so in a couple of weeks I'm going to be all cashed up. Hurrah!

A few excuses that you too can use to get out of Mutual Obligation requirements:
1. My cat is really tired and I'm freaking out.(thanks Georgia and Tones)
"Oh man, my cat Junebug is just sleeping all day. I try waking her, but she just keeps falling asleep in front of the heater. The poor thing tried walking over my bed and just fell asleep half way through. I asked her what was wrong and she won't say. She'll just eat her food and then go and sleep. I'm really freaking out."

2. I'm on drugs RIGHT NOW
This one requires a bit of costume. Either wear something fluro and have ridiculously large pants (try Dad's old slacks) or strap a teddy bear to your back and suck on a lollipop like a glitter-covered toddler. A bottle of water is essential. If you're really into it, paint some KISS style make-up to yourself.
"Sorry I'm late. I'M PEAKING! I'M PEAKING! Wow, I love this song."
At this point, you might want to think about crapping yourself.
"I'm so fucking thirsty. Where's the chill out room? Are my pupils dialated? Have you seen the others?"

3. Just cry and be incomprehensable
A good amount of sooking goes a long way in Centrelinkland. If you have a vagina, try talking about it while crying, and try to relate it to everyday objects. For example:
"(Sob) My fallopian tubes...(sniff) salt shakers... (whiffle) oh god, and then I dropped it all... (wail a bit) concrete, concrete, pebbles then grass. I'm so sorry about this... (sob) Then he said it looks like the Ghostbusters logo... (blow nose) I mean, I don't even own any roman sandals... (queef)"
If you need some inspiration, just go here.