election erection!

If you’re anything like me, and let’s assume that you’re exactly like me, you have ELECTION FEVER! I’m so pumped about this upcoming federal election I’ve had to do some stomach crunches every time I think about putting numbers in boxes. Yesterday I tore a glute after filling in the postcode on an envelope.
As an informed and enthusiastic voter, I feel that my duty this week is to bring you a guide to the major political parties in this election.

The ALP
I’m super pumped about the Australian Labour Party.
Every since his comrades started force-feeding Mark Latham dangerous amounts Zoloft, he hasn’t fought anyone. However you can tell that if he becomes the Prime Minister, he’s just going to FUCKING EXPLODE in Parliament, just like that guy in Big Trouble In Little China. There’s nothing better than putting a button-down psycho in a high pressure situation. That’s going to kick so many arses.

The Liberals
I’m so psyched about the ALP/Liberal tag team that’s been going on since the 1980s. It’s like if The Undertaker and George ‘The Animal’ Steel were buddies and they pinned the entire WWE, past and present, every few years.
The best thing about the Libs is their pro-death stance. If you think about it, Vietnam was ages ago and the first Gulf War was basically a bunch of guys pushing buttons. Where is the material for highly entertaining vigilante characters, such as every character ever played by Charles Bronson? The way things are going we’re gonna have kick arse heroes for a hundred years.
The real genius is that, under the Libs, basically everyone is a baddy and so each week we have another super villain— tougher, stronger and with a cooler costume than the last. It’s the shiznet!

The Nationals
Have you ever seen Walker: Texas Ranger? That’s loosely based on the adventures of the Nats. Man, those rednecks fucking RULE! They just walk around in their overalls, shooting stuff, protecting their “kin” (which I think means “moonshine”) and solving sibling rivalries with cricket balls. Parliament needs more mullets and moustaches, so I trust you will vote accordingly.

The Democrats
Once I was in a student political meeting and I met a woman who said she was a Democrat. I offered her a lolly and she took it. I turned around to give one to a communist and then when I turned back she was gone. Then I found her purse where she had been sitting so I took it back to the address on her driver’s license. Her dad said she had died in a car crash fifteen years earlier and the same scary ghost thing happens during every federal election.
More ghosts in Parliament!

The Greens
Greens are the ninjas of parliamentary politics. They should be renamed ‘Silent Fury Clan’ or something. They’re like, “Oh, you want to cut down this old tree? Heeeeya!” Then there are fifty people chained to it with another hundred taking on steroid amped cops, just like when Monkey Magic pulled out his chest hair and blew on it (a technique Bob Brown has been trying to perfect for years [nudge, nudge]).
For those of you who think that the kick arse factor of the Greens is pathetically low, let me remind you that Dr. Bob Brown once had the COMPLETE SHIT beaten out of him with a tyre iron by some lumber jacks and to this day he just stares down the barrel of a camera and says, “Bring it on— I’m Bob, fool.”

playing in my headphones

Sitting In My Car — Slick Rick
Starship Trooper — Ozi Batla
Kiss — Prince
Camel Toe — Fannypack
Laura — Scissor Sisters
Notorious Trick — Go Home Productions
Cold Hard Bitch — Jet
Several Times Defined — Gold Chains