preparing for work

Life on the dole was going along swimmingly until I got a letter from Centrelink informing me that they had arranged an interview for me. My first thoughts were ‘hopefully it will be with someone of the calibre of Sulu from Star Trek’ but then I remembered that interviewing superstars was what I do for The Brag, being consistently humiliated and undertaking pointless busy work was what I do for Centrelink. Given my writing style, it’s understandable how I could confuse the two. The word “interview” in Welfarese translates roughly into “jump through hoops or we’ll cut off your payments, you piece of shit fuckface.”
At Centrelink’s request, this week I will formulate my employment goals and prepare strategies for my interview, which I will share with you.

Part One: Employment Goals.
Lead singer of The Dirtbombs.
After hearing their song ‘Underdog,’ I decided that when I grow up I want to be Mick Collins from The Dirtbombs.
I spent an afternoon practising looking cool with sunglasses on and striking the most awesome poses in all of rock’n’roll. I feel that

ca-ching!

my success in this area of “rocking out” means I’m in with a shot should the job of being Mick from The Dirtbombs ever become vacant.
Sad Clown Model.
The main problem with this goal is my lack of surplus capital. I own neither a comically small dog nor festive clown attire, but when I put my mind to it I can look extremely dejected. I figure I can do some sort of TAFE course by using the Training Credits I received by participating in constructive Work for the Dole programmes such as ‘Comic Power’ (where we were supposed to make an inspiration comic about being on the dole. We didn’t.).
Warrior.
Maybe I should bypass this whole Centrelink officialdom altogether. Perhaps I should go underground, skill myself up with some martial arts and fight other warriors. In between tournaments I could rescue girlfriends from street gangs, as every kung fu based computer game demonstrates is the reality for modern-day ronin.

Part Two: Interview Strategy.
The Crazy Man.
It’s amazing how reasonable government bureaucrats become once you’ve soiled yourself in public. Another approach is to treat any and all questions asked as a free form word association test.
“So, how does coming in five days a week to write a resume and pretend to look for jobs sound?”
“Potato water fountain baby miner.”
The Sincere Job Hunter.
A line of attack that should yield results is to play the social climber down on his luck. I have found in the past that if you quote Centrelink propaganda, punishments will be less severe.
“Why yes, I feel that career counselling will help me identify my skills and interests and the types of work for which I may be suited.”
The Scary Crim.
This is hard to prepare for and basically can backfire. Then again, the risks taken can pay handsome dividends, such as the custody of your dignity.
Make unusual amounts of eye contact and declare that in the past your income was mostly cash-in-hand, but since the crackdown on heroin importation/ decriminalisation of prostitution/ death of Gangitano, work has dried up. Every time you are asked to do degrading activity, say something vague like, “Oh no. I don’t think that would be a good idea. That would make me very frustrated. That would be unfortunate for all involved.” Then laugh like a hoarse jackal.