beyoncé, can you handle this?

You must be this tough to enter.

You know when Ernie from Sesame Street would get bored and start doing weird shit like tying pieces of string to his fingers? Well, I'm like that. Only with facial hair. In today's blog entry, I've decided to get all emo and reveal certain mysterious secrets about myself.

I have always wanted a handlebar moustache. Village People style. In the vein of Hulk Hogan. So I'm trying to grow one, dammit.

Previous attempts at facial hair have been unsuccessful, but that's never stopped the lumpens before. My problem is that I have facial bald spots. In that place near the corners of my mouth, my whiskers are sparse. This spot is crucial to bridge the gap between your run-of-the-mill soup strainer and your full blown mo. I briefly tried growing a moustache once before and gave up after a week of embarassment. So what's changed?

I turn twenty-five in about a week and I still look like I'm about seventeen or eighteen. I still get asked for ID at pubs, and I don't actually have any. I lost my wallet years ago, and I've never got around to replacing the ID. I decided that, seeing I'm nearly a quarter century, it's now or never: if I can't grow a cool moustache now, I never will.

Some of my lady friends reading this blog might not realise that possession of facial hair gives you special powers. Below are some examples:

Am I right or am I right?

1. wrestling powers
The best wrestlers ever were the best because of a) drugs, b) their ethnicity and c) facial hair. Any cursory examination of the careers of The Iron Sheik, Stone Cold Steve Austin and, of course, Hulk Hogan will reveal that the loss of facial hair would've ruined their carrers and impaired their lives generally.

2. in your face attitude
Hang around a university for long enough and you might see one of those "nerds gone Matrix" types. They are living proof that with the addition of a black trenchcoat and three day growth or a beard down to the

Of course it's beautiful!

knees will instantly change you into a really boss Dungeon Master that everyone will listen to and fear.

3. overall symmetry
After some experimentation, I found that just growing a patch of hair on your cheek is not attractive, even when it's in the shape of a lightning bolt or a love heart. But grow lines of equal length parallel to your jawline (so-called 'sideburns' or 'muttonchops') and suddenly it becomes legitimate. Whether it's a patch of fuzz under your nose or a hairy chin extension, only symmetrical facial hair will give you the power of not being laughed at by strangers for your shitty whiskers.