2005: year of the fatty
Something so wonderful, so amazing, has happened I must share it with you: the media got fatter and, to a lesser extent, greasier. It happened so suddenly and discreetly, one might have thought that the ham-figured ruled the airwaves this whole time. Nay! The buttertrolls have reached critical mass and we, the mocking public, shall reap the benefits.
Bandwidth
All these well-insulated people were previously obscured, having wiled away the years frolicking and breeding in their natural habitat: the Internet. There are many splendid sites dedicated to the rotund and here are a couple guaranteed to make your compubox weigh a few kilos more.
fat chicks in party hats
Miguel has an eye for people who resemble Christmas trees. Fatchicksinpartyhats.com is 39 pages of fatties and fags who have chosen to post their pictures in public. Shit-yourself-funny captions and speech bubbles include phrases such as “I am meat!” and “The hat is so small I think it will make me fly!”
Namamono-YA
There are people who actually masturbate over pictures of overweight dragons. And I quote:
Extreme Makeover
Not content with bashing skinny people in the face with surgical hammers (thereby being one of the best shows ever), XMO have added a brilliant twist to their show by incorporating crying fatties into the show’s format.
Recent episodes have pitted fatty against fatty, as they vied to lose weight in order to be able to fit onto the operating table. In a particularly heart-wrenching moment, three fatties broke their diet and inhaled some turkeys. This lead to the terrifying possibility that they would not have their lifestyle and subjective values altered by a surgery flimsily justified by “self esteem”. Fortunately, all three of the beanbag people lost enough lard to have their asymmetrical features changed.
Where to from here? How can XMO incorporate more of these intentional endomorphs into their already awesome show? Between busy fortnights spent filling in my dole form, I intend to write a stern letter to the producers and suggest that they begin a regular segment called “Extra Large Make Over.” In it, contestants have their fat pummeled into shapes that can further amuse the viewers. Imagine: a fatty panel-beaten to resemble an upside-down pyramid. Amazing!
The Biggest Loser
If you only read the premise of this show on paper, you might think that it was pulled kicking and screaming from the business end of a coat hanger through the birth canal of a television executive. Once again, it proves that amateur consumers have no idea what makes for good television because The Biggest Loser is the culmination of Western culture.
For those of you ignorant about programmes featuring our Hutt-like bretheren, this show has two teams. All have lead lives revolving around eating cake and margarine and have decided that their days of chubbiness are over. The red and blue teams use different regimens to lose weight and throughout the show, the fatties are weighed as they display their flubber. There are manboobs aplenty. One guy even has boobs on top of his boobs. It’s even greater than that sounds. At the end, the final player is awarded US$250,000.
This show has just finished its first season in the US. Let’s just say that weight-loss takes a backseat as the knives (and forks) come out. The fatties battle it out, and this may or may not involve the contestants throwing armfuls of belly at each other.
Bandwidth
All these well-insulated people were previously obscured, having wiled away the years frolicking and breeding in their natural habitat: the Internet. There are many splendid sites dedicated to the rotund and here are a couple guaranteed to make your compubox weigh a few kilos more.
fat chicks in party hats
Miguel has an eye for people who resemble Christmas trees. Fatchicksinpartyhats.com is 39 pages of fatties and fags who have chosen to post their pictures in public. Shit-yourself-funny captions and speech bubbles include phrases such as “I am meat!” and “The hat is so small I think it will make me fly!”
Namamono-YA
There are people who actually masturbate over pictures of overweight dragons. And I quote:
“We do NOT intend to make our product as for ADULTS ONLY.
Though, there are some scenes that furry characters taking a bath or a shower in the story.
We do not have any idea about the laws or the religion you obey.
Please do not purchase if it is not legal that naked characters of furry under your laws or religion.”
Extreme Makeover
Not content with bashing skinny people in the face with surgical hammers (thereby being one of the best shows ever), XMO have added a brilliant twist to their show by incorporating crying fatties into the show’s format.
Recent episodes have pitted fatty against fatty, as they vied to lose weight in order to be able to fit onto the operating table. In a particularly heart-wrenching moment, three fatties broke their diet and inhaled some turkeys. This lead to the terrifying possibility that they would not have their lifestyle and subjective values altered by a surgery flimsily justified by “self esteem”. Fortunately, all three of the beanbag people lost enough lard to have their asymmetrical features changed.
Where to from here? How can XMO incorporate more of these intentional endomorphs into their already awesome show? Between busy fortnights spent filling in my dole form, I intend to write a stern letter to the producers and suggest that they begin a regular segment called “Extra Large Make Over.” In it, contestants have their fat pummeled into shapes that can further amuse the viewers. Imagine: a fatty panel-beaten to resemble an upside-down pyramid. Amazing!
The Biggest Loser
If you only read the premise of this show on paper, you might think that it was pulled kicking and screaming from the business end of a coat hanger through the birth canal of a television executive. Once again, it proves that amateur consumers have no idea what makes for good television because The Biggest Loser is the culmination of Western culture.
For those of you ignorant about programmes featuring our Hutt-like bretheren, this show has two teams. All have lead lives revolving around eating cake and margarine and have decided that their days of chubbiness are over. The red and blue teams use different regimens to lose weight and throughout the show, the fatties are weighed as they display their flubber. There are manboobs aplenty. One guy even has boobs on top of his boobs. It’s even greater than that sounds. At the end, the final player is awarded US$250,000.
This show has just finished its first season in the US. Let’s just say that weight-loss takes a backseat as the knives (and forks) come out. The fatties battle it out, and this may or may not involve the contestants throwing armfuls of belly at each other.
posted by Lumpen at 1/12/2005 08:25:00 pm
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