cocktails & dreams

Summer has always been a special time for me: the smell of sunscreen, the taste of alcoholic drinks and, of course, sounds of domestic violence. As a wise drunkard once pointed out to me while he tried to coordinate both eyeballs, it’s all the artificial ingredients in alcoholic drinks that cause the sickness and anger. Of course! That’s why booze-related aggression magically appeared alongside the invention of preservatives.

With all that cleared up, I decided to invent some drinks that combined my love of popular culture and the need to redirect my feelings away from social injustices and toward self destruction. This entry delivers some genuinely drinkable cocktail recipes, slightly modified from a quick Google search to conform to this blog's byline. Party on!

Johnny 5 Mojito
1 shot of Cuban light rum
10 fresh mint leaves
dash of gomme syrup (sugar syrup)
1/2 a lime
soda water
1 sentient robot
Lightly crush the mint and mix with the sugar and rum in a tall glass. Squeeze the lime and drop the rind into the glass. Fill the rest of the glass with soda water and ice. Serve with a lightly entertaining and sentient robot, with the guy who played Balki Bartokamous on Perfect Strangers on the side.

Charles Bronxon

Then I said to him, "Drink this!"

Small shot of dry gin
Small shot of French dry vermouth
1 slice of orange
1/2 a slice of pineapple
Cold, brutal revenge
Ice
In a mixer, squash the orange and pineapple with a pestle or a spoon. Rain the shots of gin and the vermouth with vengeance over the crushed remains of the fruit and shattered ice. Shake that rat bastard to hell for going near your family until all is a blur of alcoholic drink and tears of grief (i.e. 40 times). Strain and serve in a cocktail glass.

Paris Hilton
1 shot of brandy
1/2 a shot of absinthe (if unavailable, try pernod or ouzo)
1 tablespoon of Grenadine
1/2 a ripe peach
Expensive champagne
Shake all the ingredients, except the champers, in one of Daddy’s pure silver cocktail mixers, then strain into a white wine glass that one of the servants has placed in the freezer beforehand. Strain into the glass and top with champagne. Serve while kicking Delta Goodrem and being generally fabulous.

Beyonce’s Arse
1 shot of peach schnapps
1 shot of Midori
Splash of Bicardi
Cranberry Juice
Ice
In a highball glass filled with cracked ice, pour the schnapps and Midori. Top with cranberry juice and drink until the rumours about Jay-Z’s sexuality disappear. Follow with a Destiny’s Child chaser that isn’t as good as Beyonce’s solo album.

Russell Crowe Punch
1 small bottle of vodka
4 longnecks of Crown Lager
4 cups of lime-flavoured Slurpee from 711
Ice
Fill a large punch bowl half way with ice. Pour all the ingredients in, ignoring Russell Crowe’s intensely shitty band. Drink until fists start swinging.