a guide to cheating death

death or immortality: YOU decide!

I am absolutely terrified of dying. It all started when I first listened to W.A.S.P’s Blind In Texas, especially ‘The Widow Maker.’ Then, when I was in Grade 6 the teacher was talking about Jesus and heaven, a thought popped in my head: “Holy shit. God is just the adult version of Santa. When I die, that’s it.”
Sometimes at night when I think about dying my legs do this involuntary jerk, I freak out then eventually I get over it. As you see, I have given this subject a lot of thought, so I give you a Guide to Cheating Death.

Religion.
Religion won’t allow you to cheat death. Obviously there is the fairytale factor, as outlined in the introduction. Even if there were a bit of truth to them, they can’t all be right and if God exists, the bastard apparently won’t let you hedge your bets. On the off chance there is an afterlife, it probably has nothing to do with silly hats and eating Jesus or praying in a certain direction a billion times a day. And if anyone writes in and says “Buddhism is a philosophy, not a religion”, I’ll beat you to death with a dolphin.
Death defiance factor: nil.

Robots.
What if we could download our consciousness directly into a robot brain? That way we could live forever.
Wrong! Because how do you know if your not just making a copy of your conscience? That means you might accidentally kill the real you, and the robot just a facsimile of your former self.
Then again, if the brain could be put INTO a robot body, we can talk about some real prospects of immortality. Presumably at this stage of technological development, we could do more to maintain the brain for long-term use. Another bonus is that we could fly and have super strength. On the downside, if your body breaks down and there’s no one to fix it (say, if you were in deep space) then you’d be fucked.
Death defiance factor: 7/10.

Zombification.
I call bullshit on “quality of life” arguments. They are usually made by ungrateful offspring wanting to offload their grandma burden. I don’t book with people who say dumb shit like “If I ever get that bad, I wanna be put out of my misery.” Fuck you, something is better than nothing.
For me, being a zombie is a viable option. Being a lumbering flesh eating zombie like in Night of the Living Dead wouldn’t be ideal, but you could be a running brain chomping zombie like in Return of the Living Dead. They could talk and everything!
Technically, Buffy was a zombie in the last couple of seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and she seemed to be okay. Anything in that spectrum is acceptable.
Death defiance factor: 5/10.

Cryogenics.
I also call bullshit on cryogenics. This “science” involves freezing the body (or just the head) until technology can cure you of whatever illness or level of death you have attained.
There are some obvious basic problems. Who is to say that technology will keep developing? We may stagnate or even regress as a society. Then your body will thaw out and you’ll be fucked.
Secondly, the freezing process itself could be the problem. As the water expands, cell walls are smashed. So presumably nanotechnology would be necessary to repair the body. Like my old history teacher said, “My axe is twenty years old. I’ve only replaced the head three times and the handle twice.” Once everything has been repaired or replaced, the crucial physiology that made up your conscience may be gone.
Death defiance factor: 2/10