previews of future movies

Owing to the overall largeness of my computer and its ability to download up to 56 kilos of information per dozen through my nylon connection, I received several unreleased movies into the internet of my home television. For readers unfamiliar with such technical jargon, this translates into Previews of Future Movies - the subject of this week's View Master.

Dawn of the Dead.

Synopsis:
The first cinematic Babysitter's Club movie involves Dawn (Melissa Chasse) uncovering her heritage. After discovering through a class project that most of her ancestors are dead, Dawn attempts to hide her shame in a series of misadventures involving Bert, the ridiculous pony, and Dawn's fat best friend, Kristy (Jay-Z).

Critic's voice:
A re-imagining of what it might be like to make a good movie, this cautionary tale is probably the best film with girls in it since Sophia Coppola's Pootie Tang (2001). Although the idea of a talking horse made me cry in fear, I was inspired by Coppola's simple message: "When there's no one else, look inside yourself. Like your oldest friend, just trust the voice within."

I, Robot.

Synopsis:
Based on the series of books by sci-fi author and religion manufacturer, L. Ron Hubbard, I, Robot is the tragic tale of Tandy Electronics' failed Robot Slave 3000 automatons and the men who loved them.

Critic's voice:
The special effects in this film had me repeatedly elbowing my pets in pure delight; Big Boss (Will Smith) almost looked real and the action sequences contained many large explosions. The complex plotline had me consulting my periodic table on more than one occasion, and the suspense of whether Big Boss would discover Dianetics in time had me on the edge of my window (also called the "window sill"). What a thriller!

Garfield.

Synopsis:
An in-your-face cat that likes to sleep and eat lasagna? No, you're not hallucinating, it can only be that lovable rascal feline, Garfield. Straight from the funny pages, Garfield and his pals decide to save the environment by combining their power rings (earth, wind, fire, water and heart) to create an even more in-your-face character: Captain Planet.

Critic's voice:
A prequel to the little known On Deadly Ground (1994), this movie will have you cheering as Garfield (played by Crossing Over's John Edward) gives his trademark "Whatever, girlfriend!" to greedy developers wanting to destroy the Garden of Eden.

Alien Vs Predator.

Synopsis:
Two cop buddies, who happen to be wisecracking serial killers, stalk morally ambivalent teenagers holed up in an isolated farmhouse built on top of a haunted, ticking, TIME BOMB!

Critic's voice:
This heavily anticipated movie has more attitude than several of John Woo's earlier films, which were also his best. The car chase sequence intersped by the inspirational training montage / love scene had me high-fiving several of my internet friends. It was great to see John Travolta in a comeback role as the cranky but lovable Chief of Police.

G'Day L.A.

Synopsis:
Four drag queens (all played by Australian Idol's Robert 'Millsy' Mills) from the Outback accidentally inseminate a prize racing camel with magic beans. Enter a maverick camel jockey from Hollywood (Steve Gutenburg) whose unconventional methods just might save the day for the backward colonists.

Critic's voice:
Ground-breaking "blue screen" technology allows Millsy to play all four of the bejeweled performers and he gives the best performance I've seen in a musical comedy since I lost my will to live.