Boob Tube
There’s so much good telly on at the moment, I’ve decided to catalogue,
pigeonhole and rate them.
Scare Tactics.
(Randomly shown on Ch Nine)
Five out of five stars
“Do dee do do do doo, do be do be do doo. Na, na, na, na, na, na, nah. Na, na,
na, na, na, na, nah. ”
That was the theme song to Ghostbusters, which should help you set the
mental scene for the best show on telly. Like the librarian sequence from
Ghostbusters, Scare Tactics marries self-defecating terror with
incontinence-inducing laughter. And who better to host a show with the central
premise of unrelenting cruelty than Shannon Doherty?
Scare Tactics is a hidden camera programme that makes its victims think
a) they’ve murdered someone or b) they are going to be murdered. The best one
so far was when they made a guy think he had killed Shannon’s nutty professor
uncle with a laser cannon. The hapless fellow starts going into shock as
Shannon screams at him and viscously imitates his stuttering. More awesome than
a room full of angry ninjas.
The Resort.
(Wednesdays, 9:30, Ch Nine)
zero out of five stars
As predicted in View Master some time ago, we finally have an extreme gay
celebrity auction island reality show. I don’t actually like The Resort,
and quite possibly I will violently slap anyone who does, I just wanted to
point that out we could all see this coming.
Angel.
(Wednesdays, 10:30, Ch Seven)
Four out of five stars
The jury is still out on the latest season, also its last. Actually, the only
reason I like it is because it’s the closest thing to Buffy we have left.
They should’ve called this show ‘Buffy’s Sad Friend Who Can Fight’
Extreme Makeover.
(No longer on air. It was on Ch Nine)
Four out of five stars.
I never would’ve thought that watching a surgeon bash a woman’s face with a
hammer and chisel could be so entertaining. The seemingly unconscious nastiness
of this show knows no bounds. The best comment to date was the narrator
summarising a woman’s transformation as “from the living dead to a living
doll.” Another highlight was pathologising a man’s rounded features as a case
of “the Charlie Browns.”
Of course, no one who admires this show actually believes that precision
stabbing and a haircut is the solution to anyone’s problems. The coolest part
is “The Reveal Party”: the money shot of the show. Sometimes the show’s victims
come out looking like that puppet from Farscape that farts helium, so
friends and family can barely contain their horror. Telltale signs of a botched
job are subdued clapping and a statement to the effect that “they’re still the
same on the inside.” Viewers know this is true, too. You get to see their
insides about half way through the programme.
SBS World News.
(Weeknights, 9:30, SBS)
Five out of five stars
Two words: Anton Enus. His name rhymes with penis! I bet no one has ever
pointed that out. My favourite thing to do is try to fit a “p” sound between
the words “Anton” and “Enus” when Anton introduces himself. Then I jerk off
over a picture of myself.
pigeonhole and rate them.
Scare Tactics.
(Randomly shown on Ch Nine)
Five out of five stars
“Do dee do do do doo, do be do be do doo. Na, na, na, na, na, na, nah. Na, na,
na, na, na, na, nah. ”
That was the theme song to Ghostbusters, which should help you set the
mental scene for the best show on telly. Like the librarian sequence from
Ghostbusters, Scare Tactics marries self-defecating terror with
incontinence-inducing laughter. And who better to host a show with the central
premise of unrelenting cruelty than Shannon Doherty?
Scare Tactics is a hidden camera programme that makes its victims think
a) they’ve murdered someone or b) they are going to be murdered. The best one
so far was when they made a guy think he had killed Shannon’s nutty professor
uncle with a laser cannon. The hapless fellow starts going into shock as
Shannon screams at him and viscously imitates his stuttering. More awesome than
a room full of angry ninjas.
The Resort.
(Wednesdays, 9:30, Ch Nine)
zero out of five stars
As predicted in View Master some time ago, we finally have an extreme gay
 |
Don't give me guff. Wait, does "guff" mean "collar"? I can always do with more of that. |
and quite possibly I will violently slap anyone who does, I just wanted to
point that out we could all see this coming.
Angel.
(Wednesdays, 10:30, Ch Seven)
Four out of five stars
The jury is still out on the latest season, also its last. Actually, the only
reason I like it is because it’s the closest thing to Buffy we have left.
They should’ve called this show ‘Buffy’s Sad Friend Who Can Fight’
Extreme Makeover.
(No longer on air. It was on Ch Nine)
Four out of five stars.
I never would’ve thought that watching a surgeon bash a woman’s face with a
hammer and chisel could be so entertaining. The seemingly unconscious nastiness
of this show knows no bounds. The best comment to date was the narrator
summarising a woman’s transformation as “from the living dead to a living
doll.” Another highlight was pathologising a man’s rounded features as a case
of “the Charlie Browns.”
Of course, no one who admires this show actually believes that precision
stabbing and a haircut is the solution to anyone’s problems. The coolest part
 |
Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. Penis. |
come out looking like that puppet from Farscape that farts helium, so
friends and family can barely contain their horror. Telltale signs of a botched
job are subdued clapping and a statement to the effect that “they’re still the
same on the inside.” Viewers know this is true, too. You get to see their
insides about half way through the programme.
SBS World News.
(Weeknights, 9:30, SBS)
Five out of five stars
Two words: Anton Enus. His name rhymes with penis! I bet no one has ever
pointed that out. My favourite thing to do is try to fit a “p” sound between
the words “Anton” and “Enus” when Anton introduces himself. Then I jerk off
over a picture of myself.
posted by Lumpen at 3/09/2004 12:19:00 pm
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