forgiven, not forgotten

Until recently, I did this column called Shit CD if the Week for a paper in Sydney. After ten months of scathing “reviews” I got pretty sick of it. You don’t get paid money to do reviews, the CDs you receive are contra. So I didn’t get many albums I liked, just a whole bunch of shit, some so bad I couldn’t even flog them off to a second hand record shop. Frankly, these CDs were making me hate music.
Below are a couple of my favourite Shit CD if the Week columns.

Skitzmix 17
Nick Skitz
Central Station
Zero stars
People got so bored with the music and clubs of the 1980s, they decided to pass time by annoying the shit out of each other and so the music genre of ‘techno’ was born. The associated subculture is marked by glow sticks and human refuse wearing teddybear backpacks.
Currently flying high in the ARIA dance charts, Skitzmix 17 fits into the tradition of techno so irritating you want to perforate your eardrums with a woollen blanket. Tracks include 2 Unlimited’s ‘No Limit 2003’, an updated mix of a classic that still sounds shit, and a whole bunch of tracks with varying degrees of poxiness.
The well-rendered cover image is a character named Astro Diablo, which means “Gay Devil” in Esperanto. In the sleeve is Diablo’s story, apparently written by a boxer high on crystal meth with tenuous language skills. Astro Diablo, it is recorded, is “he whom once lived and flourished on the Earth” until “all the greed and waste of human kind lead to the extinction of all Earth’s resources.” The in-your-face mascot for the album uses his “master craftsmanship” to travel the galaxy with a ring and, after he “climatised to remain alive,” Diablo took on a bunch of aliens to make sure “the cloud that for so long darkened the Earth was no more.”
That’s awesome! And by “awesome”, I mean “completely fucking retarded!”
If this album was one of Captain Planet & the Planeteers powers, it’d be: Heart.

That’s What I’m Talking About
Shannon Noll
BMG Australia
0 stars
Shannon walked toward the concert, head full of confidence shaped by Australian Idol viewers clamouring for his album. He ran through the stage curtains and was met with a dark silence. “Hello?” he called, searching for a mic stand.
Suddenly, blinding stage lights lit the arena. An announcer’s voice boomed, “Welcome… to Thunder Dooooome!”
Shannon found he was standing on a walkway leading to a large dome. Inside was a 7 ft muscleman piggybacking a midget. The crowd roared as the little man introduced himself as Master and his partner as Blaster.
Shannon was frogmarched into the dome and thrown to the floor. The giant Blaster rapidly kicked Shannon in the guts, causing the singer to defecate. Master said, “That was for the track ‘Tune In.’ Your annoying high-notes are an insult to the memory of John Farnham.”
The crowd cheered as Shannon tried to crawl away and Blaster executed several WWF-style moves, including the ball pulverising “Crushed Dreams.” Meanwhile, Master justified the actions.
“That was for ‘The Way That I Feel,’” said Master. “It’s repetitive verses and country pub guitar make me feel like vomiting!”
Master spat in Shannon’s bloodied face, clearly pleasing the frenzied audience. Blaster obliged by bringing the Aussie Idol down over his knee, audibly snapping his victim’s spine.
Master leapt off his partner’s back and walked to the broken body. He put the microphone to Shannon’s mouth, asking him for last words.
“I only wanted… to entertain,” gasped Shannon.
“You did Shannon, you did,” whispered Master as he choked the life out of him.
Picking up the microphone, Master announced “That was for the most annoying 15 minutes of fame since Bruce Samazan’s rapping career!”
The crowd broke into applause.
The End.
If music is a drug: this album is spraypaint in a plastic bag.

"we got this thing by the ass!"

Here's the review of the Dawn of the Dead DVD I said I'd put up. It's fairly straight forward and there isn't much humour. I guess I wanted to put across the reverence I have for the film. It's for Beat, and I think I was trying to establish that I do know a bit about films before I do an onslaught of silliness.
Now, I don't want to panic you, but there's a chance, just a chance, that I can review Return of the Living Dead.
Are such things possible? Have I found a niche that allows me to talk about two of my favourite films ever within a fortnight? Was Belinda Carlisle correct when she sung "ooh, heaven is a place on Earth?"
In other film related happenings, I saw the Beat Takeshi film Zatoichi today, again courtesy of Beat. It's not as good as Battle Royale, but don't let that stop you from seeing it. It's like Lone Wolf & Cub meets Dancer in the Dark. A fucking amazing film, and I got free Asahi beer and gorged myself on Pocky (like a straight, saltless pretzel stick dipped in chocolate). To top it off, a friend bought me Oportos for dinner.
Fuck, it's great when life is too good.

Dawn of the Dead [1979]
(Umbrella)
The hoards of flesh-hungry dead in George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead (1968) changed the landscape of Horror and created a new subgenre. However it was the second flick in his trilogy, Dawn of the Dead, which become his most imitated film.
After the events of Night, society continues to fall apart as the dead inexplicably attack the living. A couple of SWAT cops, a helicopter pilot and a reporter escape the deteriorating city and find refuge in an abandoned shopping mall. The walking dead are dispensed of in all sorts of inventive ways, but even when the mall is cleared the living are still surrounded by zombies.
The characters lull themselves into a stupor until they are interrupted by the arrival of an army of looters who want what they have.
Heads are blown off with shotguns, a Hare Krishna zombie chases a pregnant woman, a corpse has his skull sliced by helicopter blades and a motorcycle gang has a pie fight with the undead. High farce and cartoon violence are intersped with moments of chilling realisations and social meltdown.
The level of politics usually surprises first-time viewers of Dawn. In the brilliant 75-minute doco found in the extras, The Dead Will Walk, Romero readily admits the movie is as much satire as it is horror.
Tom Savini, the other seminal figure involved in Dawn, wears many hats in this production, primarily special effects but also stuntman and actor. His contribution to the audio commentary will please fans of the film.
The transfer to DVD makes a huge difference for those of us used to washed out VHS colours. While some may be disappointed that this is the original US theatrical edit and not the director’s cut or Dario Argento’s Italian edit, this edit is pretty much definitive and maintains the now legendary score by Italian band Goblin.
While I have to concede that the remake of Dawn was pretty good, the original still shits all over the imitators.

play

Donkey John

garbage pail kids

The naughtiest thing I ever did as a kid was to steal $50 from a school fete and spend the whole thing on Garbage Pail Kids (GPK) bubblegum cards, a series the parodied the sacchrine sweetness of the Cabbage Patch Kids.
The main reason I like the GPK (also known as The Garbage Gang in Australia) was because of John Pound’s artwork, but did you know that Art Spiegelman (Maus) was also involved in their production?
I tried hunting down a set and stumpled upon a great comprehensive GPK website run by Matthew Stafford which you can see here.
He graciously agreed to answer some nerdy questions in between sorting his collection.

Give us a rundown of your collection. How complete is it?
My U.S. collection is complete from series #1-15 (1985-1988) minus a few of the very minor copyright variation cards. These variations are not considered by most collectors, so I would say my collection is 100% complete. ANS1 [All New Series One] and ANS2 are complete as well. I have unopened boxes from every series above, with mint condition 1985 series #1 boxes going for $1000+ each at times. I have many of the foreign releases as well, but there are so many it is hard to collect everything.
I consider my Bukimi Kun (Japanese GPK) to be one of the more rare items in my collection. Single cards go for as much as $200 a piece.
Did anything change from series to series? Did they become more or less daring as time went on?
Series #1-3 focused more on individual kids. Backgrounds were kept to a minimum. As the series’ progressed there were more and more things going on in the cards. I think the early series were more daring. Look at Nerdy Norm 1st series, Drunk Ken 1st series, Stoned Sean 3rd series, etc. The later series involved more gross out humor; blood, booger and vomit.
After series #9 Topps had to change the look of the GPK because of their lawsuit with the makers of the Cabbage Patch Kids. No longer could they use the half circle eyes - they had to be round. The GPK themselves had to be painted to look like they were made of plastic instead of fabric and stuffing.
Are their any GPK items that you’ve given up trying to find?
Bukimi Kun (Japanese GPK) complete sets, packs, and boxes. GPK Ball Guns and hard Hats released by Placo toys. GPK Cartoon episodes in English. Second series Cheap Toys [a GPK toy line].
I haven’t seen the all new series, but what I’ve seen doesn’t look as good. Would you agree? What was better about the old series?
I agree with your comment about the ANS2, ANS1 had a lot of images from the unreleased 16th series from 1989 and John Pound did most of the artwork. The main reason for the decline in quality of ANS2 is that John Pound did not do the majority of the paintings. The concepts were good, but the artwork, unfortunately, was not up to Pound’s standards.
I’ve heard that Topps has cut down the number of artists contributing final paintings for ANS3 and that there will be better continuity. Pound mentioned to me recently that he did 11 final pieces for ANS3. The promo for ANS3 looks good.
What role does nostalgia play in your interest in GPK?
Everything!!! They just take me back to a simpler time in my life when I had no stress and no worries. My life evolved around collecting these cards with my friends. I was 11 years old when the craze hit. Demand was so high back then that it was hard just getting your hands on them, so when you actually did find them it was like hitting the jackpot. I remember traveling from store to store, making endless phone calls, and bugging my mom to death to drive me all over town. I can still taste the gum to this day!
Do you collect anything else?
Not like GPK. I’m trying to get into Wacky Packages but the prices for the older ones are outrageous. I plan on collecting the new set though.
What motivates fans to create their own GPKs?
For the contest... some might just enjoy it (the younger audience) to those who are looking to win the contest (the older crowd). Others actually send there ideas to Topps and I know of a few people who had there ideas used as concepts for ANS3. And there are those that just love the cards and collecting them and they like to express themselves through creating them.
What would your fantasy GPK merchandise be?
A 20th anniversary set next year of the classic cards, or GPKsheets and pillow cases!
Have you ever met John Pound? Do you have any interest in his other work?
I have not met him personally but converse with him through email occasionally. I am a big fan of John’s work... Meanie Babies, Bathroom Buddies, Silly CDs, and Trashcan Trolls.
What are your top ten cards and why?
Adam Bomb (obvious reasons), Dead Ted - always loved the look, Fat Matt (my name), Brett Sweat - one of the 1st cards I saw, Cheeky Charles - just makes me laugh, Matt Rat (my name again), Tattoo Lou - just like it, Roy Bot - loved Transformers growing up, Baked Jake - no reason, just do, Doughy Joey - always like the Pillsbury Dough Boy growing up. So many more I like but this is my list.
And the most offensive card?
A lot of the unpublished pieces were unpublished for a reason and I’m most people would have found them offensive. I can’t think of any one card that was published that really crossed the line, although Swell Mel is close.
The crappiest card?
There are multiple crappy cards in the ANS2 release. I can’t think of any from the original 15 series that I would classify as crappy.
Why don’t cards come with bubblegum anymore?
ANS1 did. I don’t think Topps could get the gum made fast enough to fulfill the orders. It is probably less cost effective as well to have gum in the packs.
Actually I’d be happy with one stick of gum like the old series had as long as it was wrapped in plastic to protect the cards.
I’m interested in how collecting affects other aspects of your life. How do others tend to react to your interests?
I don’t really share it with others unless they collect the cards themselves. A few of my closest friends and girlfriend know about my crazy obsession, and of course my parents and siblings. I’ve always collected things growing up: comics, toys, sports cards, etc.
So it doesn’t surprise those who know my how big my collection and obsession is. I’m sure there would be some people that think I am crazy, but to each their own right! It doesn’t really affect me in any way. I just enjoy the cards, looking at the artwork and trading occasionally.
Why do a GPK website? What made you want to do it? Did you gain the skills specifically to do that site?
I started collecting again in the late 1990s because eBay made it possible for me to find cards I couldn’t get or afford when I was younger. I’d always wanted a mint 1st series set and was able to get one on eBay. It kind of snowballed from there and I’ve been avidly collecting for 6+ years.
Originally the site started as a way to categorize my collection for others to see. I mainly had info about the merchandise that was available and that I had won on eBay. As I discovered something new I would add it to the site. Slowly people started visiting and would help me with info. that was incorrect and send pictures of items not on my site. I learned HTML as I went and borrowed ideas from other sites.
Eventually I purchased the domain garbagepailkids.com and started seeing my visits really increase. I think eBay played a big role in resurrecting GPK. A petition soon went around in about 2000 to bring GPK back. My site grew and I was averaging about 800 visits a day. I recently transferred the domain name to Topps for some artwork and an uncut sheet. My visits have decreased somewhat but I still average 500 visits a day. I am the top listed site on most major search engines for Garbage Pail Kids.
What’s your strongest GPK childhood memory?
Waking up at 4:00 a.m. one morning, meeting with all my friends in the front yard of my house preparing to hit the 7-11 convenience store for a new shipment of 4th series. We rode our bikes up there and bought like 2 boxes, raced back to my house and opened the packs in my front yard. We just sat there looking at the artwork, stuffing gum in our faces, and laughing at the names. Great memory.

procrasti-nation

I'm hopelessly behind in my writing, so what better time to fuck around with my blog? I've added a comments section and I expect all my friends and acquaintences to leave a note saying that they've checked it out. Seriously; I really want to know who reads this.
I've just used a Blogger template to change the look of the site, but hopefully in the next few months I can get someone to help me change it into something original.

So it turns out that a machette isn't a great substitute for a scrunchie.

In other news, I've started writing reviews for a local street press. This week I'm reviewing one of my favourite films ever; Dawn of the Dead on DVD. The doco in the extras, The Dead Will Walk, is fucking awesome. It gives real insight into Romero's film making process and box office politics in the 1970s. The only real disappointment is the Dario Argento version of the film is still a mystery (the Italian/European edit of the film, known as Zombi) and the score by Goblin isn't isolated. Other than that, it's great. I'll post the review when it's done.
Albums I've been listening to this week:
Bob Sinclair - Paradise
Björk - Medúlla
Ryan Adams - Love Is Hell
Bill Hicks - Arizona Bay
Songs I've been listening to this week:
Har Mar Superstar - 'Power Lunch.'
Grand Popo Football Club - 'Men Are Not Nice Guys.'
The Cramps - 'Surfing Dead.'
Iron Maiden - 'Run To The Hills.'
Puffy Ami Yumi - 'Love So Pure.'
Jamelia - 'Superstar.'

extreme justice cops: the pitch

Dear Televisual Controllers,
My studies have demonstrated that programs involving police only make up 78% of the broadcast pulses processed by my television receiver. I believe that this percentage can be increased. Sirs and madams, please consider my “pitch” for a teleaudio communication.
Imagine you have just had your purse or fob watch stolen by a criminal on the business end of a bungee cord, thus evading apprehension and therefore justice. Who do you call? The Extreme Justice Cops.

Extreme Justice Cops Pilot: Net of Justice.
Five law enforcers are fed up by the lack of law and, to a lesser extent, order on today’s hard streets. There’s Joe (the veteran), Chips (the computer expert), Wong (martial artist), Miss Maggie (the sexy secretary) and Danny (the rookie). After playing paintball, which showcases their various talents, the crew meet back at the office.

LOCATION: Extreme Justice Office.
JOE [sipping coffee]: Dammit, I retire next week. I’m getting too old for this shit.
DANNY: Yo dude, I’m not going to sit here and push pencils. I joined the force for some action, not these [throws down yellow form] “yellow forms.”
CHIPS: You are a bothersome ignoramus. Meanwhile, my data suggests that we are missing some justice on the streets.
WONG: Heeya! Joe-san, you are like a father to me. Let us be like emaciated moths and go to injustice like it was some kind of mystical flame. Heeya!
MAGGIE [sitting on desk]: Sounds like you boys could do with my help. Let me answer this call. [Picks up ringing phone] Antonio Mafioso just made bail. Sounds like he needs to meet…
ALL: Extreme Justice Cops!
WONG: Heeya!

The EJC decide that it’s time to put the criminals behind bars… extreme bars.They build their own secret prison, guarded by Chips’ robots, to house the criminals who evade justice and away from the do-gooders in the Justice Department. “Extreme crime,” says Joe, “needs extreme justice!” The following scenes take place after an inspirational montage of building the secret prison.

LOCATION: The Docks at night.
DANNY: That’s far enough, Mafioso.
MAFIOSO: You can’t touch me, copper. I got a lawyer.
JOE [holding up unconscious lawyer]: You mean this scumbag?
MAFIOSO: Nooo! [Pulls out switchblade] Let’s dance, pigs.
JOE [into wristwatch]: Now Chips! Now!
A flying robot drops a net on MAFIOSO
MAFIOSO: This won’t hold me long! I got rights!
WONG: Yiyiyiyi! You have the right to remain silent, dishonourable sir! [Kicks MAFIOSO in the eye. MAFIOSO goes unconcious]
JOE [shaking head]: Will they ever learn? Take him away, robot. [ROBOT takes MAFIOSO].
JOE: In my twenty years on the force I’ve learned to follow my instincts. Retirement be damned. My gut tells me that the streets need more justice.
DANNY [stepping forward]: Yeah dude. Extreme justice.
MAGGIE [Appearing from behind shipping container. Applies lipstick]: Did someone say our middle name?
ALL: [laugh hysterically then high five. Wong does flying kick. Freeze-frame as they all jump into air.]
Fade to black. End theme song: ‘Suddenly’ by Angry Anderson.

flawless victory

While I generally disapprove of all sports, I thoroughly approve of the USA having their arse handed to them. So it was with glee I watched Puerto Rico shit on "The Dream Team" in the Olympics.
While watching the game, I saw Puerto Rican player (who also plays for the Milwaukee Bucks in the NBA) Daniel Santiago and he scared the bejesus out of me. His facial expressions are satanic.
For some reason I just know that he'd hate my guts if we ever met. To quote The Punisher #8, "it's not every day you meet your polar opposite."

splendid

I'm going to out myself as a Frente fan. I used to bag them along with everyone else, but then I saw them live and I had to shut my fat mouth. Frente are long gone, but Angie Hart and her hubby Jesse Tobias (who was briefly in the Chilli Peppers) still make music under the moniker of Splendid.
I heard Splendid on the various Buffy soundtracks (Angie features prominantly in the liner notes by Joss Whedon), and Jesse did some pretty kick arse work on the greatest Buffy epsiode ever: Once More With Feeling.
This is an interview I did a few months ago. It was never published, which is a bit of a pity since Splendid are actually are tight little duo. Forgive the errors, but I couldn't be bothered proofing it.

There’s a somewhat legendary story of you signing autographs in a queue the dole office. Is this true?
Oh yeah, I had my picture in the paper and I wasn't making enough to live on...typical TLC style story without the horrific failed lawsuit ending [NOTE: I have no idea what Angie was talking about here]. So I made some public appearances in the cue after I lost my job at a gift store on Brunswick St (across the road from our debut venue, the Punters Club). I was trying to tour and hold down some full time employment. My boss told me, I’d have to realise that music was not my bread and butter. Ha ha.
Any tips for sneaking into pubs underage?
You know, pubs aren't what they used to be, that's all I can say. It seemed pretty damn easy then. Sorry kids.
What was Splendid’s contribution to Ben Lee’s new album?
Nought. We appear on an upcoming release of his, where other people sing tunes that Ben wrote especially for that beautiful purpose. I sing, Jesse plays, purpose fulfilled.... beautiful.
Can you explain the song ‘Iron Man’? How exemplary of the forthcoming album is it?
Iron man is a song for Jesse, who resents being responsible for everything that I tell him he doesn't have to be responsible for, but keeps on assuming responsibility for anyway...'the weight of the world'. He's what is known in Australia as an Aussie battler...except he's Mexican.
This is probably one of the more well rounded tunes you'll hear on the album. We like to meander somewhat and take a left turn at least half of the time when writing and recording. Sometimes we let ourselves travel in a straight line and allow the song to be the best that it can be. There's no foot shooting here, just a little restlessness and some wild hairs.
How do you think Splendid have changed since making the last album? What have you done / are you doing now that wouldn’t have been possible last time?
Well we're taking our time, that's for sure! The previous answer also applies here; we're taking it where we feel like on the day. Jesse's recording the entire thing here at home and we're doing it on a zero budget, which is oddly unleashing. The restrictions that we have with not possessing a soundproof space or lockout time schedules are forgiven every day that we don't have to listen to the words, 'I don't hear a single' or 'is this radio friendly?'.
Can you give a definitive explanation as to what happened with the label and Have You Got A Name For It? Who was the villain in that saga?
Ohoho. I'll spare you the whinge, but basically our label folded and gave the album to their succeeders to shelve (in the US only, it was released in Australia) in order to walk away from the experience with a little more cash in their balance. Common story amongst our musician friends here.
How do you recreate songs like ‘Iron Man’ live? What changes in the songs for the better when played live?
Anything's better when stripped down to a voice and a guitar. We just play them as they were written.
At what stage of album production do you think about the front cover? Have
you thought about the cover for the upcoming album?
It is so far from our minds, but a white stallion or corvette is good to sprawl on. Kidding.
If I bought my 'Once More With Feeling’ soundtrack to a gig, would Jesse sign it? Why/why not? (That’s my way of saying “I plan to bring Buffy CDs to the gig and ask for autographs." Will you hate me?)
He will love you, kiss you, make you feel awkward with his affection. It's great when someone turns up that knows what he has been working on in these 'quiet' periods. He's been super busy over the last few years with production and music direction gigs, so some recognition for the labour is appreciated.
What was the origin of 'Blue’? Encounter any difficulties in writing it? How did the Joss connection start? Can you give me a factoid I can drop to Buffy fans to make me look like an insider?
Joss and I are fans of each other, he comes to shows, we watch his show. We finally took the bold step from lounge room karaoke to creating a tune of our own. It was fruitless and awkward, even though we are great friends, we were completely afraid of sucking in front of each other. I ended up going home and faxing through the rest of my vocal ideas which he then spliced in with his. Duh. The recording went much more smoothly.
Jesse told me to tell you something about Angel's original sidekick od'ing in the first season, but I don't feel comfortable telling you about that, so I’ll tell you that Xander has a twin brother in real life that has actually doubled for him on the show.
All my information about Los Angeles comes from the film Colors. How accurate is it, and have you ever been to South Central? Would Splendid sound different if you were based in Australia?
Have you seen Bowling for Columbine? Do you remember the part where he's standing on a street corner in the middle of South Central and it looks positively suburban? Well, take half of Colors and half of what mm says and you would be more accurate. I don't hang out there, but I’m a wuss.
We'd sound exactly the same wherever we were, we'd just be a little fatter if we lived in Melbourne, 'cos the food is so good. We're not really clued in to the media or a 'scene' here, we do our own thing. Besides the isolation, which I find constructive and which is impossible for me in Melbourne, that could make a difference. We could make the same music and find even less time to do it, making an album that took around eight years to make.
What was the crashing noise at the end of ‘Dear Friend’?
Jesse getting up off his knees after a hard days work with some singing wine glasses on the wood floor.
Will anyone be supporting you on tour?
Yes they will and I don't know who.
What was the last album you listened to from start to finish?
The Shins, Chutes Too Narrow.
This is a “free pass” question. Make up a question and answer it.
When will the album be released? Don't know.
What are Splendid’s top 10 tracks at the moment?
The Shins, Kissing The Lipless (Angie's Fav) Or So Says I (Jesse's)
Modest Mouse, 'Float On'
Cat Power, 'I Don't Blame You'
Twilight Singers, 'Teenage Wristband'
The Sleepy Jackson, 'Vampire Racecourse'
My Morning Jacket, 'Golden'
Grant Lee Phillips, 'Mona Lisa'
Machine Translations, 'Amnesia'
Lilys, 'Melusina'
Guided By Voices, 'Hold On Hope'
And Jesse also *loves* Dallas Crane, 'No Through Road'

a guide to cheating death

death or immortality: YOU decide!

I am absolutely terrified of dying. It all started when I first listened to W.A.S.P’s Blind In Texas, especially ‘The Widow Maker.’ Then, when I was in Grade 6 the teacher was talking about Jesus and heaven, a thought popped in my head: “Holy shit. God is just the adult version of Santa. When I die, that’s it.”
Sometimes at night when I think about dying my legs do this involuntary jerk, I freak out then eventually I get over it. As you see, I have given this subject a lot of thought, so I give you a Guide to Cheating Death.

Religion.
Religion won’t allow you to cheat death. Obviously there is the fairytale factor, as outlined in the introduction. Even if there were a bit of truth to them, they can’t all be right and if God exists, the bastard apparently won’t let you hedge your bets. On the off chance there is an afterlife, it probably has nothing to do with silly hats and eating Jesus or praying in a certain direction a billion times a day. And if anyone writes in and says “Buddhism is a philosophy, not a religion”, I’ll beat you to death with a dolphin.
Death defiance factor: nil.

Robots.
What if we could download our consciousness directly into a robot brain? That way we could live forever.
Wrong! Because how do you know if your not just making a copy of your conscience? That means you might accidentally kill the real you, and the robot just a facsimile of your former self.
Then again, if the brain could be put INTO a robot body, we can talk about some real prospects of immortality. Presumably at this stage of technological development, we could do more to maintain the brain for long-term use. Another bonus is that we could fly and have super strength. On the downside, if your body breaks down and there’s no one to fix it (say, if you were in deep space) then you’d be fucked.
Death defiance factor: 7/10.

Zombification.
I call bullshit on “quality of life” arguments. They are usually made by ungrateful offspring wanting to offload their grandma burden. I don’t book with people who say dumb shit like “If I ever get that bad, I wanna be put out of my misery.” Fuck you, something is better than nothing.
For me, being a zombie is a viable option. Being a lumbering flesh eating zombie like in Night of the Living Dead wouldn’t be ideal, but you could be a running brain chomping zombie like in Return of the Living Dead. They could talk and everything!
Technically, Buffy was a zombie in the last couple of seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer and she seemed to be okay. Anything in that spectrum is acceptable.
Death defiance factor: 5/10.

Cryogenics.
I also call bullshit on cryogenics. This “science” involves freezing the body (or just the head) until technology can cure you of whatever illness or level of death you have attained.
There are some obvious basic problems. Who is to say that technology will keep developing? We may stagnate or even regress as a society. Then your body will thaw out and you’ll be fucked.
Secondly, the freezing process itself could be the problem. As the water expands, cell walls are smashed. So presumably nanotechnology would be necessary to repair the body. Like my old history teacher said, “My axe is twenty years old. I’ve only replaced the head three times and the handle twice.” Once everything has been repaired or replaced, the crucial physiology that made up your conscience may be gone.
Death defiance factor: 2/10